Are you Left, Right or Middle?

To dispel any suggestions to the contrary, this article is not about politics. Your brain can see this incorrect identification: but which one?

Most individuals have a difficult time performing a task from the opposite lobe than their personality dictates. The left brained like my wife are simply ecstatic about figures, numbers and mathematics. Why am I the one who handles the chequebook and tax returns when that is where she gets her jollies? Women have a way of massaging your brain to make you think left is right and right is left. Directing our attention to their sensual, soft, curvy parts makes a nose ring merely figurative. My reaction of such dedication to math runs from "ho hum," to "I got to stop pulling my own hair out before I go bald and the woman takes up with a hairy accountant." The rest of us who are right brain people have sensitivity and are inclined towards the arts.

Roger Perry a Nobel Prize winner conducted split-brain experiments (not to be confused with split pea experimentation often performed by 3 year olds: sneaking the awful tasting vegetable into the nearest napkin, to shuffle them into the closest toilet at the earliest opportunity). Perry determined that "there appear to be two modes of thinking, represented rather separately in left and right hemispheres." He further suggested that

"Our education system, as well as science in general, tends to neglect one side over the other. What it comes down to is that modern society discriminates against the right hemisphere." Aha! I knew it! I know I am not simply an oddball, black sheep with idiosyncratic peculiarities that are out of the norm. I am actually being "kept down by the man!" I am practically an endangered species. Now I understand why the toilet seat must be down in the bathroom. It is not a guy versus girl issue. It is a left-brain versus right brain one!

Basically the truth of the matter is that we all use both sides of our brain even though observing rush hour traffic would suggest that we seem more like a bunch of brainless zombies from Night of the Living Dead Goes to the Demolition Derby. It is just that the left-brain thinks it knows everything! I keep telling my wife this but all I ever get out of it is a comfortable sleeping spot on a hot couch.

The left takes over like Mr. Spock and dispenses with the genteel right side's irrational images and inspiration. You could almost see a devil sitting on one shoulder and an angel on the other, and we know who usually wins that skirmish. It is as if a brutish dictator rode into town and removed the pleasant easygoing right side and sent it to the dungeon. The carnage is worse than a bunch of 1950's housewives let loose at a 75% off white sale at 'Macy's'.

Here are some of the findings of brain function: The left-brain is responsible for logic, details, facts, math, science, comprehension, perception, reality, strategy, and practicality. The highlight of the right brain is the ability to drool. "Talk about painting a one sided picture!" Everybody knows there is quite a story to a wet spot. Now I face the prospect that, when my daughter wakes up in the morning with a wet mark on her pillow I will know she is right brained and destined for a rough life. Actually, 'righties' use feelings, pictures, imagination, symbols, images, philosophy, fantasy, and religion (which in some circles is the same thing as fantasy).

Then there are the 'middle brainers'. You would think that they'd be a combination of left and right. Maybe they should be capable of swinging from one side to the other. They tend to be genius.' Albert Einstein, apart from formulating the theory of relativity, E=MC2 , was a big middle brain user but more importantly he had cool hair for an old dude. He even came up with a little known universal brain formula. L+R=P (Left brain + Right brain = Politics). Now that makes sense. The left wants to control your life, the right is brainless and needs to be in the dungeon and the middle is the diplomatic bridge between the two. Okay I was wrong this is all about politics. I guess my brain is not functioning properly. It's leaning toward the middle and that can be scary. I do not know if I can stand being sensitive, thoughtful and a genius too!

Contributed by: Giosue' Santarelli