Two-timing a three-year-old and the television set

When I say kids don't become human till about the age of seven, it's not for lack of human emotion, but rather the excess of it; they cry for everything, laugh at nothing and get excited at the most mundane things (see, the sun! wow, a toilet roll! bah!)

Consider this: I have been stuck with babysitting my American-born and fastidious three-year-old niece on and off for the past few days because the poor little thing has been really sick lately.

For the many hours that I have spent in this humongous task, I have realized that two-timing her and the television set is the only reasonable way to do this. After all, the idiot box has in the past helped me deal with stress, impending doomsday and plain boredom; it failed miserably at the job of taming a toddler, however. I still think I did extremely well for the fact that I have never been left in charge of such a tiny little thing ever in the past. So, I decided to take a leaf out of my book and leave it for anyone else (god forbid!) stuck in a similar situation:

First of all, if a kid lives around a 50 feet perimeter of the television, never turn the TV off on a possible kids-channel---Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network and Disney are strictly off limits (your local PBS channel is the most deceptive---beware if you watched the NewsHour the night before). Here's what happens: after a lot of nerve-racking, you somehow figure out a way to keep the child occupied and heave a sigh of relief before finally turning on the TV ---and bam, in float the high pitched shrills of Dora and her fellow-adventurers. That's it: she turns to eye the idiot box, is totally absorbed in no time, downright oblivious of the hundred other channels a fully-grown human being would rather watch.

And don't ever forego a news show and switch to a sitcom --- believe me, to a three year old, it doesn't make a whit of difference --- the background laughter doesn't seem to fool the kids like it does us (the fact that they guffaw at the most serious statements is a different point entirely; "you'll get very sick if you don't take this medicine" *peals of laughter* duh!) If you are indeed watching a news program, choose one carefully--- she's a little more sympathetic to good looking anchors, so I'm sticking with Brian Williams; this is not the time for old newsmen like Scheiffer and Larry King is definitely off the table (sure respect her judgment there!)

On sitcoms, there's a wider range of choices; Full House and The Cosby Show are likely to be better tolerated; believe me, nothing interests them more than their own kind (read: those that shriek with delight on spotting a spider and giggle uncontrollably at the sight of a ball). Which reminds me, if you absolutely have to play a game, play ball or Hide-and-Seek. Tossing the ball back and forth not only allows you to watch TV in peace, you'd be impressed at a three-year-old's hand-eye coordination. Hide-and-seek is not only a fun game (from age 3 to 33) but it also allows you to sneak into the den and check your e-mail while you are "hiding" and sometimes you can just "forget" to seek. Leaves the three-year-old out of your hair for a while.

If she decides its story time, I choose to listen. In that case I can get off with an 'uh-huh' every five minutes. In my defense, the few minutes that I do turn my attention to her, she doesn't make any sense. But you can't escape your turn at reading. So, make sure you pick your times right. And at this, I have advice for the so-called kids' book writers. Can't they make it just a tad interesting? I read a 15-page book, the entire content of which was: "Shhhhh, tigger, pooh is asleep. Shhhhh, tigger, piglet is asleep. Shhhhh, tigger, Eeyore is asleep. Shhhhh, tigger, roo is asleep. Goodnight, tigger"! It's only fair, because she, for one, is not even listening to it. I might as well be reading The Times. That, by the way, is another good strategy: reading the newspaper out loud. Choose the Art or Sports section as opposed to Politics. And put up with her absolutely frivolous observations--- "Blue shorts" as opposed to 'Federer won the Nasdaq Open'. It has something to do with the colors. Reason why Barney's purple. Speaking of which, kids' videos are brilliant. I actually watched three Barney videos and would watch more if I have to.

If its pee time or poop time, there's no way out. Just your hard luck. Time to start cursing the digestive system that you marveled at in high-school biology. Paraphrasing Marge Simpson, "How did you make that into that?"

At the end of the day, when she has just spent an hour to successfully finish a bowl of ten pasta shells and your patience is wearing thin, she looks up with a winning smile and shrieks "love you, maasi". That's when you hug her, decide she's adorable and switch off the television. Only for a bit though. Friends is up next....

You explain to her that Friends is the grown-up Barney and that you can't get through an entire day without it…Hearing her chirpy "okay" you switch on the idiot box only to watch Monica, Rachel and Phoebe ogle at pictures of little Ben. Can't the world function without little kids anymore?

Contributed by:Karthika Muthukumaraswamy